what i wished for

I want everything for her.

I haven’t even met her. Haven’t held her yet. But I want EVERYTHING for her. Everything good. Everything kind. Everything clean.

A few different family members & friends have offered to do the baby shower. I have declined them all… until my mom asked if she and my boyfriends mom could take a little of the control away from me. I agreed. I honestly didn’t even want to have a baby shower, as stupid as it sounds. There are so many people I don’t see/speak to within both my and his family, that I feel weird inviting to a party to give me gifts and guess how many inches around my belly is.

I guess this not only has to do with me being a private person, but also because I don’t like people sticking their hands in my life. I’m extremely independent. I don’t like asking for advice and I don’t like giving advice. I fear this is going to come back and bite me in the ass, HARD.

It’s the strangest feeling right now. To love her so much. SO much. To talk to her and ask her, “is everything OK in there? Comfy? I’m not, but it’s alright, because I love you and I want you to be strong and healthy…even if you need to use my bladder as a pillow.”

People have asked how soon I plan to return to work after delivery, what I plan to do about day care. Well, the thought of leaving her with someone else, to bond with someone else, for 10 hours a day makes me SICK. I can’t even begin to justify working full-time to pay someone else to take care of my daughter. I honestly don’t have an answer for what I’m going to do. I am saving as much as I can, preparing as much as I can, and discussing (when I can) about what is best for her, for me, for our family.

I worry that I might be over-protective. Like, the ultimate mother/cub situation.

It’s weird to be ready to put someone else entirely before myself. To be completely ready to devote all my time and energy to that tiny, little girl.                    Really, nothing else matters.

UGHHHHHHH

I thought the morning sickness was over. :-(

I would really appreciate a jar peanut butter right now.

Come on out little baby! Mommy would like to get some tattoo work done.